You always hear stories about first loves. They are put on the highest pedestal. You see it in movies all the time. I remember watching The Notebook for the first time right after my breakup with my first love. I was saltier than the ocean, fam. I continuously made comments to my friend who was watching the movie with me about how that shit did not happen in real life. First loves never end up together, I said. It didn’t help that my parents had gone through a divorce too. I was over the idea of true love and soul mates.
I wasn’t looking for anything. I was doing me, enjoying life, spending time with my friends and family. I was always out doing something, anything, to keep myself distracted from the heartache that was still weighing me down. My loved ones made it easier for me to cope. But at the end of the night when all is quiet, I was still alone.
My heart iced over. I craved the feelings of being held, of being caressed, of being loved. But I couldn’t trust anyone. I talked to different guys, but for selfish reasons and no intentions. I would warn any guy from the start that I was not looking for anything. I enjoyed the attention as well as the physical and mental comfort they were giving me. But once they confessed any type of feelings for me – I cut them off and moved onto someone else I could use for my selfish needs. My friends called me a heart breaker, but I wore that name with pride because I was in the “fuck boys” mentality. I was never going to let anyone break my heart again and so I was set on breaking their heart first.
It was working for a while. And then, I met you.
To be honest, I already knew who you were before I met you. I always saw you on Facebook commenting on my friend’s stuff (thanks social media). Like the creep I was, I had clicked on your profile to see your picture cause I thought you were fine as hell. So when I saw you at my friend’s high school graduation party, serving that volleyball over the net, my stomach flipped. I was nudging my sister as we were eating, pointing you out. LOOK! I’ve seen him on Facebook! He’s so CUTE! My sister wasn’t as impressed. She thought your friend was cuter – LOL. And then, my heart stopped. You were walking over to us. FUCK! I tried to pretend I didn’t notice you.
“Hey!” you said, “Why aren’t you guys playing volleyball with us?”
“Uh, because we’re eating”, I replied with sass.
“Oh right – well, you guys should come in when you’re done!” you smiled and ran back to the net.
We talked a lot that night at the party. At one point, you freaked out because you realized that you already knew who I was from Facebook. I didn’t let you know I already knew you too. I tried to play it cool, but I was extremely flattered and squealing like a little girl on the inside. You made me laugh and saw my dimples. You called them craters! We were really hitting it off.
And then I learned from our mutual friend that you were unavailable. You had a girlfriend. And that you were always this friendly with everyone. Great. So, I accepted it and we stayed friends.
But then, one day, you cut it off with her. You two had had a lot of problems and you finally had to let her go. I consoled you. We messaged each other more and more. Messages turned into phone calls and Skype calls. There wasn’t a day that we weren’t talking to each other. I realized quite quickly that I was starting to grow feelings for you. I was terrified because the feeling was so foreign to me now, but I was also excited that you were the one making me feel this way. Luck was on my side as you confessed your feelings to me one night. It was only about a month before you asked me to be your girlfriend. It all happened so fast, but it felt right. I was scared, but I was willing to risk my heart breaking again to give you, to give us, a chance.
But love is never easy. The beginning of our relationship was rough. You were accused of being a cheater. I was accused of being a homewrecker. People thought that you were cheating on your ex with me before you ended things with her. I lost one of my best guy friends because he didn’t like you. Because he thought you were unfaithful. And when I continued to date you regardless of what he said to me, he left my life. You had friends who didn’t approve and judged you. I didn’t want you to go through that to be with me. But you said, “My true friends know who I am and they know that I am not a cheater. Anyone who doesn’t believe my story or even take the time to ask what happened is irrelevant”. And if they didn’t think you were a cheater or that I was a homewrecker, then people thought we were just rebounds. They didn’t think we would last past the summer.
On July 25th of this year (2017), it will be our 5 year anniversary.
I wasn’t looking for love. I didn’t think I would ever find anything more genuine than what I had the first time. But you’ve shown me that things are even better the second time around. It took a long time for me to be vulnerable with you and to let you inside my walls. But you never gave up. Your patience with me plays a huge factor into my falling head-over-heels in love with you. I always tell people – I’m not sure who else could handle me. Anyone else would have left long ago. And yet, you never did. Throughout all my trust issues, mood swings, and depression – you never called it quits. You are the only man who has ever confidently told me that you are in love with me. You’ve supported me in all that I want to do whether it be modeling, coordinating a fashion show, writing for this blog – you’ve always been rooting for me. You’re always willing to try something new and exciting with me or just accompany me on a shopping trip. There is no one moment that I realized that I was in love with you. It was a number of things that made me want nobody else but you. You’ve taught me that to love each other is to trust each other. You’ve taught me to see the beauty in myself when I bashed on my physical attributes. You’ve helped me become more positive about things in life and that the little things aren’t worth losing sleep over. You’ve made me believe in love again. And for that, I thank you, for making everything that’s led up to this point worth it. Here’s to proving anyone who’s ever doubted us wrong and to overcoming anything in the future. Adventure is waiting for us. I love you, Peter!