Notice: I’m going to be talking about my boobs. Or lack thereof. You cool with that? Continue on.
Here we go –
I am insecure about my body.
But why, Sophia? You’re sooooo skinny.
Yes, I know. I am skinny. I’m not going to argue what’s true. But I’ve had my fair share of being teased growing up because I’m too skinny. It seems like you just can’t win with society. You’ll be shamed for being “fat” and you’ll be shamed for being “skinny”. But for some reason, it’s better to make fun of someone that’s too skinny! Just think of it in a group setting. Everyone would feel extremely uncomfortable if someone made a fat joke about someone in the group. But on the other side, most would laugh along if someone made a joke about someone needing to eat more because they have no meat on their bones. Fortunately, we are making progress about how the media portrays women. I love seeing all of these body positive campaigns, but in some ways, they forget about the thin girls completely. It’s just going backwards instead of forward. Instead of hating on bigger women, we’ve transferred that shame onto skinny women. And really, it should be about loving ALL body types – curvy to curve-less.
Photo taken in 2010 | 2011
There are plenty of things I emotionally endured just for being skinny, but the main topic was my chest. I remember growing up and watching as everyone around me started going through puberty. I remember hearing my girlfriends getting really excited about going to the mall with their moms to buy their first bra. It seemed like everyone but me was getting boobs! I felt like a boy in my clothes. I would stare at myself in the mirror every summer and think “this is the summer where my boobs will finally grow”. And it’s okay if you laughed reading that! But little Sophia was actually concerned! Concerned that I wasn’t as pretty as the girls that filled out their tops. Concerned that I would appear less “womanly” standing next to a girl who had the curves. My wish at 11:11 every night was to wake up with boobs. I daydreamed about going back to school after the summer with a new body and making everyone shut up. These weren’t just thoughts that appeared on their own. Society played a role. Media played a role. My FRIENDS even played a role. I remember specifically one time in middle school – my friends and I were walking around the school and I don’t know how the conversation came up, but the girls started talking about their chests. I stayed quiet. How could I talk about something that wasn’t there? But then one of my girlfriends decided to say out loud, “Sophia wouldn’t know though. She doesn’t have any!!” followed by an eruption of laughter from all of my closest friends, both guys and girls. I tried to play it off and roll my eyes, pretending like it didn’t hurt. But it did. Enough to the point that I can picture that scenario play out in my head years from that time. It’s amazing how one joke can affect someone for so long.
Photo taken in 2017
I’m 22 now and have realized for a while that I don’t think my boobs are going to get any bigger unless I get them surgically fixed. But I have been learning to accept and love my body the way it is. I’m able-bodied. I’m healthy. I’m still beautiful. It’s a work in progress. To be honest, I do still look in the mirror from time to time and think to myself “FUCK. WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOOBS?!” I still have days where I’m not feeling myself. But that’s okay too. Loving yourself is not an overnight thing you can learn. It’s as long as you keep trying and reminding yourself of your worth. Practice complimenting yourself rather than putting yourself down. I’m still learning to appreciate another woman’s body without comparing it to my own.
On January 29th, 2017, I stepped out of my comfort zone and walked in a lingerie fashion show. When we think lingerie, we think sexy, curvy, Victoria’s Secret type women. Women that do not look like me. And so by doing this, I wanted to prove to myself and to other girls with my body type that curve-less women can still be sexy in lingerie with the confidence that they wear. I’m not going to lie – I almost dropped out of the show a couple times because of the other female models that were in the show because they were so intimidating. They were beautiful women with curves in all the right places. I felt like I did not belong there.
But I went through with it. I strutted out in two different lingerie outfits. And I felt good. I had fun. For that minute in front of the crowd, I did not feel insecure at all. I am proud of being able to embrace my insecurities and to be vulnerable. I definitely grew from the experience and discovered a newfound love for my body. It wasn’t a cure though. I’m still struggling. But it was a step forward. And one step forward is better than no steps at all.
Lingerie designed by House of Nguyen Designs | Photography by Royal Krew Studios
To top it off – I have the best support team. My friends and family (not all pictured). I can’t take the credit and say that the love I am learning to give myself was all because of me. They helped me see it too. And to that, I give them all a big hug and kiss. You all mean the world to me.
Love yourself. Love your long legs. Love your short legs. Love your big ass. Love your small but perky butt. Love your lack of boobs or your huge ones! Love your love handles. Love your stretch marks. Love all of your assets. They’re all what makes you, you. And you are beautiful. And if anyone shames you for loving yourself, flip yo hair and say as Keri Hilson would put it – DON’T HATE ME CAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL.
If you like connecting through real life stories and experiences, please read my dear friend Hamy’s blog post about her struggles with self-love as well! Road to Recovery