But You Were Not My Last

Continued from You Were My First

You were my first love; but you were my first heartbreak.

The feeling of a heartbreak is unlike any emotion you will ever experience. It robs you of all hope. You feel dazed and go about your days like it’s not real, like it’s a nightmare you will wake up from tomorrow. You feel worthless; what was it about you that someone couldn’t stay to love?

The first time you broke my heart was on our one year anniversary. I remember that day like it was yesterday because it was one of the most embarrassing moments I’ve had thus far. A little back story: I had told you that I was in love with you back when we were together for only two months. It was a little too soon on your end so you couldn’t tell me that you were in love with me yet. I was a little disheartened but I understood. Two months was a little fast; it even caught me by surprise.

Now it was our one year anniversary. We were sitting in your basement where you had set up a table for two. We were enjoying some homemade food that you cooked up to celebrate our milestone in the relationship. The food was amazing. The conversations we were having were great. And then I looked up at you and asked, “Are you in love with me yet?” Silence. After what felt like an eternity, you finally replied, “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t eat anymore. There were so many emotions, so many questions. I was crushed. I was completely vulnerable with you and expected to get an answer I didn’t get. I was embarrassed. A whole year being together and you couldn’t tell me that you were in love with me. What was I missing? What was it that I lacked that prevented you to be as madly and deeply in love with me as I was with you? And yet, I stayed – hoping that I would hear those words from you one day. I never did.

The second time you broke my heart was when she came along. She was the newest addition to your dance crew that you performed with at your high school pep fests. She had the opportunity to see you almost every day, whether it be for dance practice or just to come over and hang out with your sister. I felt threatened, and to be honest, jealous of the amount of time she got to spend with you. I communicated my worries with you and you consoled me: Don’t worry. She’s just a friend. She has a boyfriend. We just dance together, that’s all. I loved you and so I trusted you. But then, the red flags started to pop up. She had burned a CD of songs for you. You forgot that you were listening to it when I was in your car one day. I knew it wasn’t your own mix when a Spanish song came on (she was Latina). She would text you and you would hide your phone, claiming it was just something about dance practice. But the biggest red flag appeared when you didn’t call me one night.

It was our routine to call each other to say goodnight no matter how busy we were or how late it was. I had fallen asleep one night and woke up the next morning to no missed calls. I was a bit disappointed, but thought nothing of it. And then I saw her relationship status on Facebook: single. I called you and asked, “Did you call her instead of me last night?” You told me that you didn’t call her instead of me, but that you did call her to see if she was okay from her breakup. I then asked, “Do you like her?“. You said no. But your voice over the phone was not sincere. I drove to your house that night. You were taken by surprise, but let me in. We laid in your bed and I mustered up the courage to ask you again, “Do you like her?” I knew you couldn’t lie to my face. “Yes,” you sighed. “Does she know? I whispered. “Yes,” you admitted. Hot tears rolled down my face as I ran to the door, but you blocked the entryway before I could leave. You told me you loved me and that what you were feeling for her was nothing compared to how you felt about me. You apologized over and over and begged me not to leave. You told me you would cease all contact with her and that these minimal feelings would disappear. I believed you. I’ll find out after our relationship ended that you two still talked. You broke my trust that night. You shattered my heart. And yet again, I stayed.

The third and final time you broke my heart was when you left.

My mother knew you didn’t love me anymore before I knew. It was Valentine’s Day of 2012. Our first Valentine’s back in 2011, you drove to my house in the early hours before school to leave rose petals, chocolates, a card, and a bear at my front door and then later spent time with me after school. This Valentine’s, you only handed me a small box of chocolates. But I justified it when my mom questioned your lack of effort. I told her that you were trying to save money and that we agreed on this. She wasn’t convinced.

A week later, you left me. When you broke up with me, there was no emotion in your voice. Not only did you break up with me, but you did it over the phone where I couldn’t see your face. It was over. I couldn’t believe it. I let down my pride and begged you to stay. You told me that you didn’t want to go into college with a long distance relationship since you were heading to New York. But if you had loved me like you said you did, wouldn’t you have at least tried it? Just last year, a mutual friend of ours told me that you left me because I wasn’t a follower of the same religion as you. Others have told me you didn’t know what you wanted. To this day, I’m still not sure why you chose to leave. I also wondered how long you had been feeling that way. Were you waiting for the holidays to be over? Did you feel like it would be too cruel to break up with me in the midst of the holiday spirit? But then, why did you buy me a ring for Christmas if you were only going to leave me less than two months later? These questions haunted me.

First, I was in denial. I believed that we would get back together because we belonged together. Then, I was in depression. I didn’t know what to do with all of the extra time I now had that used to be spent on you. And then, I was angry. I hated you. I remembered all the lies and all the love I gave you that was never given fully back. But today, I just wish you the best. Aside from the heartaches, you gave me a lot of my most cherished memories. You also taught me a lot. Through the healing stage, I learned a few things.

Don’t hold onto someone that doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I should have left you when you couldn’t look me in the eyes and tell me that. I deserve to be loved whole heartedly.

You shouldn’t have to compete for someone’s attention and love. When she was able to steal even a sliver of your heart – I should have let her have you completely. If you had loved me enough, not even a goddess could steal your attention from me.

You are a whole person. I had believed that you were the other half of me. I prioritized you over everyone and everything in my life. And so when you left, you took half of me with and I didn’t know how to cope. I was somebody whole before you and I’ve learned that I am still somebody whole after you.

You will love again. I had thought that I would never find someone that I could truly connect with and be as comfortable with as I had been with you. I couldn’t process the thought of starting from square one again with someone. But after you left, I was proven wrong.

You were my first,  but you weren’t my last.

 

Signate S

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