… continued from First Love: Everything You Expect.
My first love was everything I expected it to be, but there were some things that I didn’t expect I would experience at all.
What you don’t expect: The Breakup
Not every love story has a happy ending – I very well knew that. What I didn’t know though was that my first love story would have an ending at all.
My first love and I were in a long distance relationship. Although it was difficult at times, the emotional connection was so deep and real. Because we didn’t have that every day physical connection that some couples can take for granted – it made us closer mentally in a way I never thought possible.
I guess this was part of the reason why I had a harder time noticing the signs when they started showing. No longer were our conversations thoughtful or meaningful as they had once been. What used to be long, heartwarming text messages progressively became short, bland one-word responses. He suddenly became “too busy” for me because life, school, and work had gotten in the way. We were slowly drifting apart – I could feel him slipping further away from me.
And he did.
Two full days had gone by while silence completely engulfed us. There was no form of communication, not even a simple “good morning” or “goodnight” text from neither of us. I had been waiting for him to reach out to me, until I finally decided to message him. Hey, my text read. Are we doing that whole ‘silent breakup’ thing? He responded, Hey. I’m not sure, but either way I think we should talk.
Later that night, he called me. I remember looking forward to talking to him – I was eager to finally straighten things out and work through whatever it was that we were going through. Little did I know that he didn’t have that same mindset.
“I don’t know how to say this,” he told me. “But I don’t see us working out.”
“Oh, okay… if that’s how you feel.” My voice cracked as I felt total shock and disbelief. I did not expect a breakup in the slightest.
What you don’t expect: The Heartache
I didn’t even bother asking him to stay. In my mind, you shouldn’t have to beg or persuade a person to stay and love you.
After he said goodbye over the phone, I cried. And it suddenly became very hard for me to breathe. What used to be a light that illuminated and filled my heart with brightness and bliss flickered into complete and utter darkness when he had left.
It’s amazing how love can give someone power over you – to make you feel the happiest you’ve ever felt or make you feel the worst pain you’ve ever suffered through. I had never felt so deserted, so unloved, so worthless, so… unwanted. I had never known what true heartache had felt like until this very moment, and I especially did not expect my first love to be the reason for me to feel this way.
What you don’t expect: The Broken Promises
We will work through this. I know we can. I love you. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I will always be there for you. You are worth it.
Did he ever truly mean the words he’d once said?
Isn’t love supposed to be about believing in one another and doing everything in each of our power to fix the things that go wrong? It didn’t matter what we would argue about or what hardships we were faced with, we promised to always work things out and talk through them.
All of the promises made and words once spoken – they rendered broken, false, and invalid when he decided to walk away in the end.
What you don’t expect: The Healing
After my first heartbreak, I didn’t expect to heal. I didn’t expect to ever get over him. But when I had woken up one morning and realized that I hadn’t been thinking about him in a while, that’s when I knew that I didn’t have to remain forever broken. I didn’t think I would be able to smile and laugh or enjoy life as I had once knew it to be before he had entered my life. But as time continued to move forward, I was able to move forward too – and for that I am grateful.
What you don’t expect: The Lessons Learned
I didn’t expect to learn so much from my first love. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted. I felt I deserved happiness, but my first love taught me especially that I don’t ever need to rely on another person to provide that sense of happiness for me. I learned that love isn’t always how the movies or fairy tales portray it to be. I learned to be more cautious about who I decided to give my heart away to.
What you don’t expect: To Find Love Again
After my first heartbreak, I especially didn’t expect to find love again. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t be able to find anyone like him, that he would be irreplaceable. I didn’t even think it was possible to find someone even better than him… but I did. And I believe this to be true for others as well.
Initially, my first love was everything I expected it to be – things were new, my walls were down, and I truly loved someone with all of my being. But at the same time, my first love was everything I didn’t expect it to be.
Whether your first love proves to live up to your expectations or not, it is definitely an experience of firsts and simply put, it is an introduction to what love is and what more there is to come.